When worried about the consequences of a loved one’s actions, it’s only natural to want to help them out by protecting them from those consequences. Over time it can have a damaging effect on your loved one and others around them. It’s difficult for someone to get help if they don’t fully enabling behavior definition see the consequences of their actions. This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. However, if you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors.
If the addicted person is your spouse or an adult child, you may need him or her to move out until he or she can start to heal. You may need to detach from the relationship until the substance user seeks help. In short, codependency is the unhealthy relationship that develops from being too involved in an addicted person’s life, and enabling is the set of behaviors that define such a relationship. It is not uncommon for enablers to be unaware that what they are doing is actually unhelpful and allow the other person to continue their harmful behaviors. For example, an enabler might protect a person from facing the consequences of their actions and addiction because they think that that is the only way to keep them safe. However, this ends up in the other person continuing their destructive and addictive behaviors, and the situation worsening over time.
- For a substance abuser to move through the stages of change, they need to see both sides of the argument.
- Boundaries begin by recognizing the difference between enabling and supporting someone.
- Clear communication that avoids blaming often encourages a shift towards more supportive behavior.
- When we point out enabling, it can feel like we’re blaming a loved one for the presence of addiction.
You’re looking to avoid conflict
Being overly polite might seem kind, but it often leads to problems anyway, in relationships, with friends, and at work. But, you shouldn’t decide for them how you will hold them accountable. This will only set you up as opponents, with you trying to keep goals while they try to get around you.
Fear-Based Enabling
Many addicts will blame their loved ones for becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol. They might say that you weren’t there for them when they needed help or that the way you raised them led them to become addicted. By placing the blame on their loved ones, addicts are able to demand help without having to accept personal responsibility. If all of the family is in a different role, casting all their attention on the substance user being the problem, chances are they will not see the need to change. Without this change it is most likely the family will worsen as will the substance use. Our experience and research show, families are never on the same page, not even close.
How to stop enabling a loved one
For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated. By allowing the other person to constantly rely on you to get their tasks done, they may be less likely to find reasons to do them the next time.
In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time. When helping becomes a way of avoiding a seemingly inevitable discomfort, it’s a sign that you’ve crossed over into enabling behavior. No one is saying you should never give a friend a ride to the store when their car breaks down. Or that it’s necessarily problematic to help an adult child pay an overdue bill here or there. By recognizing the fine line between helping and enabling, you contribute significantly to the environment that fosters genuine recovery. It’s about striking the right balance between empathy and accountability, ensuring your loved one has the resources and motivation to pursue sobriety.
The Most Common Codependent and Enabling Behaviors
It’s a bit like giving a fish to someone every day instead of teaching them how to fish – it might seem helpful in the short term, but it ultimately hinders their growth and independence. When a family is in the grip of another’s addiction, the primary enabler often puts all of their attention on the substance user. This causes maladaptive coping skills and unhealthy roles to form. Rather than therapeutically confront the cause or the person who is giving all of their time to the substance user, family members often focus on the addiction. This can move the focus off of the ever growing problem which is within the family system.
What Is the Difference Between a Helper and an Enabler?
An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. Asking these questions and encouraging thoughtfulness around them is not being stingy with your support. Your compassion plus your boundaries will make the perfect balance for delivering your help, and you just might be planting that first seed towards their recovery. When the person is ready to change–to get off drugs, leave a toxic relationship, make a monthly budget–you can be ready to keep them accountable if they ask for help. We’re all human, and when someone we care about keeps sabotaging themselves, it’s easy to get frustrated. This frustration can make us do things like guilt-tripping them.
- In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains.
- It’s your job to remind them how hard change is, and how proud they should be of every win.
- While John believes he’s being supportive, his actions are preventing his brother from learning financial responsibility and independence.
- Taking on someone else’s responsibilities is another form of enabling behavior.
- It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either.
- Your adult child struggles to manage their money and never has enough to pay their rent.
In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains. Remember, shifting away from enabling towards supportive behaviors is a process that benefits both you and your loved one on the journey toward recovery. Furthermore, enabling can create a culture of denial within the family unit. By covering up or excusing the addictive behaviors, you inadvertently make it more challenging for other family members to acknowledge the problem and seek help. This denial can prevent the family from confronting the issue head-on, delaying necessary intervention and support. In the end, understanding and addressing enabling is about more than just changing behaviors – it’s about fostering growth, independence, and genuine connection.
However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. Before you start to help someone, it’s important to acknowledge that you can’t control another person’s behavior, and it’s not your job to do so. When this didn’t work, they started making excuses for him, explaining that his smoking was a coping strategy after a tough day. Neither shaming nor excusing helps a person change their behavior, and going back and forth between the two is even worse.
An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them. By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. For example, an adult sibling who grew up with a parent struggling with addiction might have learned to avoid conflict and “fix” problems to hold the family together. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues.
It’s a delicate balance, requiring not only a deep understanding of the nature of addiction but also a commitment to setting boundaries that promote health and recovery. It might be covering for a loved one’s absence at work due to substance use, lending money that’s used to support their addiction, or even denying that there’s a problem at all. While these actions might seem supportive, they allow the person struggling with addiction to continue their destructive patterns without facing the natural consequences of their actions. There are many causes for enabling behaviors to surface, but the most common reason for enabling behavior is denial.
We may think we’re helping someone by enabling them, but we need to understand that we’re only making the problem worse. Even though we might have the best of intentions, we need to recognize the harm we’re causing and take steps to break the cycle—for the person’s own good as well as our own. Helping friends, family members, or other loved ones who are experiencing mental health conditions or substance misuse can be challenging and confusing. If you’re not sure if what you’re doing is enabling or supporting, you may want to consider whether or not you’re helping your loved one help themselves.
Charting a New Course: Strategies for Breaking the Enabling Cycle
Or you might feel tempted to keep secrets in order to keep the peace. To stop codependency and enabling, you have to allow them to confront and manage the consequences of their addiction, even though it may feel unnatural, unloving or mean. With codependency, a person is addicted to a relationship in a way where they rely excessively on another person.
According to the American Psychological Association, an enabler is someone who permits, encourages, or contributes to someone else’s maladaptive behaviors. Establish clear limits on what will be done for the other person and communicate concerns and feelings honestly and assertively. Practice saying no to requests or offers of help that do not align with one’s best interest, and be prepared to enforce consequences if boundaries are violated. The Diamond Rehab Thailand was born out of a desire to help people recover from addiction in a safe, low-stress environment.
But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats. Your partner has slowly started drinking more and more as stresses and responsibilities at their job have increased. You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem. They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly.